Years ago, I was walking down the street with a bunch of lawyers from a big firm having worked with them on a case. As a solo practitioner, recently divorced mother of two, I was hoping this collaboration would lead to more lucrative business opportunities. As we were walking toward our cars, one of them laughed out, “some poor sucker has a boot on his car – why don’t people pay their tickets?” They all laughed and began telling stories about folks who had been immobilized by the city’s persuasive way of getting their parking tickets paid –the infamous Denver Boot.
I laughed along, though I soon realized that the joke was on me. That was my car, with the boot on it! After 5:00 on a Friday afternoon! A pit formed in my stomach as I calculated just how desperate this situation was. Not to show my shame before this group of heavy hitters, and wanting to preserve the possibility of future work, I said nothing, walked on beyond my car, and parted ways a couple of blocks away. Then I dashed to call a friend to help me get my car liberated and pick up my kids from daycare.
Don’t judge me! That was a Falling Forward moment, a time when, in the face of apparent failure- a choice is made to persevere. A decision comes to fight, rather than to surrender. Falling is sometimes inevitable, but how you fall is up to you. Falling down is surrender. Falling forward is fighting for dignity and perhaps, as you stumble to regain balance, gaining a bit of progress on the way down.
Falling Forward Requires Discretion
The first lesson of falling forward is to exercise DISCRETION. You see, none of those lawyers were my friends. They were feeling me out, and I was feeling them out. I didn’t want them to know me as a non-parking ticket-paying-loser! I kept my wits about me, and, in that moment, in my silence, I fell forward. My car was not liberated by any of them, but I had not suffered the double whammy of losing both these valuable business connections AND the temporary use of my car. Some things, particularly situations you know to be temporary (I was not going to be broke forever) don’t have to be revealed to everyone – use discretion and common sense about what you reveal in the workplace, in business settings, on social media, and with casual acquaintances.
That occurred in the late 1980s. This is the age of transparency and the era of oversharing, but the fact is that too much information (TMI) in the hands of the wrong people can cost you everything.
In the movie, The Pursuit of Happyness, Chris Gardner is starting his career as a stockbroker. The night before he interviewed for a coveted internship he was jailed, was perilously close to being evicted, his woman walked out on him, leaving him with a young son, and he had only $22.00 left to his name. When he showed up for the interview, he was only minutes from being released from jail. Do you think he would have been selected if he responded to “how are you?” with the story of how he ended up in jail and was almost late? What if he had cried about his recent break-up, or of the single-Dad future on the horizon? No, he wowed them in that interview by remembering who he really was. He gave them information that would pique their interest in him, shared his dreams, his sales skills, his belief that he could add value to their organization – and with that started on the path to secure the future he wanted for himself.
Falling Forward Requires Definition
This exemplifies the second lesson of falling forward. You must have a well-developed DEFINITION of yourself. A person who is successfully falling forward is holding fast to a view of self that is not shaken by circumstances or naysayers, but one that is defined by purpose. Gardner fell forward, by being who he knew in his heart he was – not the financially unstable, recently unemployed, almost homeless man that he really was. No matter what happened, his indomitable spirit led him to fall forward.
In the Bible’s Old Testament, the story is told of Joseph, a favored son of the patriarch Jacob. Joseph, tagged a dreamer by his brothers had seemingly fanciful ideas of his future. Spoiled by his father and despised by his brothers, the brothers feigned Joseph’s death, threw him in a pit, and sold him into slavery. His slaver charged him with adultery and imprisoned him where he was betrayed and forgotten for 13 years. Rather than living the dream he expected, he was living a nightmare. Yet, he miraculously rose from those circumstances to be responsible for saving many from starvation during a famine. In the end, he was reunited with his father and his brothers who feared he would have them imprisoned or enslaved for their betrayal. Rather, he is reported to have said to his brothers in Genesis 50: 19-21, “As for you, you meant harm to me, but God intended it for a good purpose, . . .”
Falling Forward Reveals Destiny
This is the third lesson of Falling Forward. . . you must have a keen sense of DESTINY. Joseph understood that everything he had experienced, hard and harsh as it was, was Falling Forward into his destiny. He had experienced tremendous loss and amazing transformation. He had been a foreigner, a slave, a prisoner – all so that he could be the one who was able to save many, including his own family, from starvation. There was no need for hatred, vengeance, disdain, or retribution toward his brothers. Rather, he saw that what had happened had helped fulfill his destiny and become who he was meant to be.
Understanding your destiny, and having a vision of your future gives perspective to the difficult times, to the times of learning, and to the hard knocks of life. There is no need for bitterness because of setbacks when your destiny is clear.
What about you? Do you fall flat or fall forward? Does your lack of discretion make you your own worst enemy? Do you allow the expectations and definitions of others to delay or waylay your purpose? Have you lost sight of your destiny and become bogged down with regret, vengeance, and self-pity? Or do you gain a few steps of progress even as you stumble? I’d love to hear your thoughts.